THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE

THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE

TO YOTTING

1.
Starve yourself for four weeks in order to prepare your body for vast quantities of the most incredible food and booze.

2.
Be prepared to go into rehab for two weeks per one sailing weekend (recalculate as necessary according to the length of your trip and viability of your liver).

3.
Do not attempt to scale the mizzen mast to establish a crow's nest unless you are a crow.

4.
All birds caught pooping on the mizzen sail cover will be shot. There is an appropriate place for this, see rule 5.

5.
Use the designated head as instructed. Avoid use of any other heads that may be lolling about on deck if they are attached to casualties of rule 1 (who may not have completed the proper preparation but just enjoy living like that).

6.
Do not sing ‘Klingons on the starboard bow’. Hiltgund is not this kind of ship.

7.
Dancing is permitted on deck, provided you have brought the appropriate white soled footwear. This does not include white stilettos. There is no room for a handbag.

8.
If invited to steer with the sea as calm as a mill pond, treat this as a great honour and not as the only job given to idiots to make them feel useful. Accept any ensuing compliments gracefully. Practise advanced waving techniques for those punters unfortunate enough to be out sailing on something other than Hiltgund.

9.
When approached / passed by other craft develop a series of appropriate insults. These should include ribald comments: "Get a coracle!" "Is that a boat or a sieve?" and suitably expressive gestures which will be demonstrated by the Captain.

10.
Do not worry if you are woken at 3 am by the sounds of waves lapping around your head. It is unlikely (though possible) that you might have flooded Hiltgund, you are just surrounded by water. Extend an available toe (or appropriate body part) to the deck to establish the situation before panicking.

	THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO YOTTING



1.	Starve yourself for four weeks in order to prepare your body for vast quantities of the most incredible food and booze.
2.	Be prepared to go into rehab for two weeks per one sailing weekend (recalculate as necessary according to the length of your trip and viability of your liver).
3.	Do not attempt to scale the mizzen mast to establish a crow's nest unless you are a crow.
4.	All birds caught pooping on the mizzen sail cover will be shot. There is an appropriate place for this, see rule 5.
5.	Use the designated head as instructed. Avoid use of any other heads that may be lolling about on deck if they are attached to casualties of rule 1 (who may not have completed the proper preparation but just enjoy living like that).
6.	Do not sing ‘Klingons on the starboard bow’. Hiltgund is not this kind of ship.
7.	Dancing is permitted on deck, provided you have brought the appropriate white soled footwear. This does not include white stilettos. There is no room for a handbag.
8.	If invited to steer with the sea as calm as a mill pond, treat this as a great honour and not as the only job given to idiots to make them feel useful. Accept any ensuing compliments gracefully. Practise advanced waving techniques for those punters unfortunate enough to be out sailing on something other than Hiltgund.
9.	When approached / passed by other craft develop a series of appropriate insults. These should include ribald comments: "Get a coracle!" "Is that a boat or a sieve?" and suitably expressive gestures which will be demonstrated by the Captain.
10.	Do not worry if you are woken at 3 am by the sounds of waves lapping around your head. It is unlikely (though possible) that you might have flooded Hiltgund, you are just surrounded by water. Extend an available toe (or appropriate body part) to the deck to establish the situation before panicking.